Marriage in real life

Marriage is waking up knowing you’re supposed to be mad at your spouse but not remembering why

Marriage is being able to claim that you didn’t drink all the milk because you left half a sip in the jug for them. You’re welcome

Marriage is taking turns wishing you ordered what the other person did while you’re out to eat

Marriage is being told to go half a second before the stop light even turns green

Marriage is realizing in the middle of your spouses most detailed play by play that you actually would have saved time by just watching it or listening to it or reading it, yourself

Marriage is creating secret social signs with each other, like the “it’s time to leave” signal

Marriage is forever arguing about which 7 minute route to the same place is fastest to take

Marriage is a lot of the same really important questions like “did you check the mail today?” or “what should we have for dinner tonight?” or “do you really need to do that right this very second?”

Marriage is waiting for someone else to cave first and take the overflowing garbage bag out

Marriage is yelling at your spouse with no words and lots of hands while they are talking on the phone and saying entirely the wrong thing

Marriage is realizing that you’re both not actually as young as you claim that the night is

Marriage is writing death threats on your boxes of left overs in fridge

Marriage is an ongoing thermostat battle

Marriage is pushing each other away from the sink because your mouth is going to explode if you don’t spit out your slobbery toothpaste this instant

Marriage is trying to remember who’s turn it is to get off the couch and grab the remote

Marriage is being told when your breath stinks but not when you’re going around smiling with an entire piece of broccoli stuck between your teeth

Marriage is being wrapped in a towel with soaking wet hair and how dare they assume you won’t be ready to leave the house in 5 minutes

Marriage is making the selfless choice to stomp down the hall and talk from the same room after 15 “I can’t hear you’s” back and forth from different parts of the house

Marriage is reassuring the other person two days before actually buying something, “I’m just looking for fun and we don’t have the money for it any way”

Marriage is being really proud about finding something yourself that is exactly where you told them it was in the first place

Marriage is taking turns asking the other person why they didn’t just hang the keys up where they go

Marriage is realizing that becoming one really just means always needing to use the toilet at the same time over and over again

Marriage is mostly like texting a business partner about appointments and money, but with cuter greetings

Marriage is expecting the other person to be really proud of you for getting all the dishes to fit in the dish washer

Marriage is being sick with the same thing but knowing that yours is always worse

Marriage is accusing the other person of moving something and then finding it and then realizing that oh maybe you did do that. And then forgetting to tell them who actually moved it

Marriage is shutting lots of drawers and cabinets and turning off lots of lights

Marriage is having the confidence in a group of people that if your spouse is there with you, you will never ever get a single detail wrong in the story you are telling

Marriage.

Sweet marriage.

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